Forgiveness of Fathers: Healing the Hurt

 

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you."  – Lewis B. Smedes

 

Forgiveness is a deeply personal and often painful journey—especially when the hurt comes from someone who was supposed to protect, nurture, and guide us. For many, the father wound is one of the deepest. Whether it’s through absence, harsh words, unmet expectations, emotional distance, or more severe forms of abuse, the pain inflicted by a father figure can leave lasting emotional imprints.

Healing is possible. And one powerful way to begin that healing is through **forgiveness—not for him, but for yourself.

What are we forgiving our fathers for? There are so many common scenarios. Each unique to our own story. 

1. The Absent Father

   Whether physically or emotionally unavailable, an absent father can make a child feel unworthy of love or attention. This absence often creates a lifelong longing for validation. Many of us with parents who grew up in war time have Fathers who cannot express their emotions for they are emotionally unavailable to themselves resultant from their PTSD. 

2. The Critical Father

   Constant criticism or impossibly high expectations can leave scars of low self-worth, perfectionism, or a fear of failure. Many of us see this Father on the sidelines at a hockey game in Canada. I felt the criticism most when I brought home a test paper. Although it would be 75 or 89 percent, he would always ask where the other percentage was and comment on what I did wrong; never on what I achieved or encourage. 

3. The Angry Father

   Explosive anger or emotional volatility can make the home feel unsafe. As adults, children of angry fathers may struggle with anxiety, fear of conflict, or emotional shutdown. I witnessed this rinkside last weekend when a Dad lost it with his son dragging his stick along the corridor. We knew the Father's anger had nothing to do with the son's behaviour but at 7 the son cowered visibly showing signs of fear. We also knew the Father's anger had nothing to do with the dragging stick.

4. The Silent Father

   A father who never speaks his love or acknowledgment can leave his child wondering, “Was I ever enough?” This silence can echo through every relationship that follows. I grew up with a Father who never said "I love you." and shout out to all reading here that they are loved! Perhaps words did not express love but deeds but a child needs to hear the words for their validation. 

Why Forgiveness?

Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. It doesn’t mean excusing the harm. It means choosing not to carry the weight anymore. 

Forgiveness is the process of:

* Releasing the anger that poisons your spirit

* Letting go of the need for apology or recognition

* Accepting that healing is your birthright, not dependent on someone else’s change

 Acceptance and Release: The Heart of Healing

Acceptance, means facing the truth without sugarcoating it. You acknowledge what happened and how it made you feel.

Release, means making a conscious decision not to carry the pain any longer. That doesn’t happen overnight—it’s a daily practice. You may have to release the same wound a hundred times before it starts to fade.

Tools to support your healing process of acceptance and release: 

Journaling: Write letters to your father that you never send. Let the truth pour out without censoring.

Therapy: A trained counsellor can help navigate trauma and facilitate emotional release.

Rituals: Burning old letters, speaking your pain aloud in nature, or using symbolic acts can give physical closure to emotional pain.

Reiki: A Gentle Path to Self-Healing

Reiki, a Japanese energy healing technique, works on the principle that universal life force energy flows through us. When this energy is blocked—often due to emotional trauma—it manifests as pain, anxiety, and disconnection.

How Reiki Helps in Forgiveness Work

Energetic Clearing: Reiki helps dissolve emotional blocks stored in the body, especially in the heart and solar plexus chakras.

Deep Relaxation: It provides a calm space to process buried emotions without being overwhelmed.

Self-Love Activation: Reiki supports the return to self-love, helping you reconnect with the part of you that feels whole and worthy—even without your father’s love.

Reiki Self-Care Practices for Forgiveness

1. Self-Care Reiki.  Use your hands over your heart, solar plexus, and throat to release trapped grief, suppressed anger, and unspoken words. 

2. Affirmations. Whisper affirmations during your Reiki sessions and to yourself daily. Affirmations such as: 

   * “I am worthy of healing.”

   * “I release what no longer serves me.”

   * “I forgive to free myself.”

When working with clients, Reiki Master Calah often advises them to write these affirmations on sticky notes and post them at the office and home so that they can be viewed and read aloud daily. 

3. Visualization.  During Reiki, visualize a warm light surrounding your inner child. Let it bathe you in love and safety. See yourself gently cutting energetic cords of pain connected to your father.

4. Reiki + Journaling.   After a session, journal what comes up. Often, your intuition and subconscious will speak clearly when your energy is flowing freely. Or, journal upon waking to release any thoughts and patterns from your subconscious. 

You Deserve Peace

Forgiving your father may be one of the hardest things you ever do. But it’s also one of the most freeing. Whether or not he acknowledges the harm, you have the power to reclaim your wholeness.

You are not your pain. You are not your past.

You are the one choosing to heal.

If you’re new to Reiki, consider joining a Reiki Level 1 class. Learning to channel energy for yourself is a profound act of self-care and empowerment. Find out more here 

The journey of forgiveness starts with you. And every step you take is a step toward freedom. With love, Calah xo