Understanding Gaslighting: A Mother’s Struggle with Her Millennial Child’s Accusations
"My kid says I'm gaslighting them," sighs my fifty year old client. "What on earth is gaslighting," she cries. A Mom of four adult children reports being in tears most days as a result of her youngest's accusations. The adult child calls her Mom on the phone and relays events that happened when she was three years old and how she was hurt. When Mom says she doesn't understand, the millennial child refuses to talk to her for days, sometimes weeks, because she feels unheard, unloved and hurt.
Are you going through this? Know you are not alone. And, know that gaslighting doesn't mean you set the child on fire although they truly feel a fire growing inside themselves as they recollect thoughts and memories. Did they happen? We're not here to say yes or no. The point is the child feels and believes she has experienced these events and is suffering. Adult children from all walks of life are telling their parents----moms, dads, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings---that they feel gaslighted.
What is gaslighting? It's a form of psychological manipulation where on person tries to make another person doubt their own perceptions, memories, or sanity. This type of manipulation often involves providing false information, twisting the truth to make the individual who says they've been gaslighted question their recollection of events; their reality.
Why is Gaslighting a Millennial Buzzword?
Gaslighting has become a buzzword among millennials, especially in conversations with their parents, for several reason:
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Increased Awareness of Mental Health: Millennials are more aware of mental health issues and the importance of emotional well-being. With knowledge, millennials are more likely to recognize and call out manipulative behaviours that may have been overlooked in the past.
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Therapy and Self-Help Culture: The rise of therapy and self-help culture has introduced terms like gaslighting into mainstream conversations. Millennials are more likely to seek therapy and use terminology they learn with their therapist. And, on their local bookshelves.
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Changing Family Dynamics: As millennials grow older and reflect on their upbringing, they may identify instances where they felt manipulated or invalidated by their parents. Millennial clients tell me they use this term with their parents to set boundaries. The term helps them articulate exactly what they are feeling.
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Social Media Influence: Social media platforms have played a significant role in popularizing terms like gaslighting. Influencers often discuss these concepts on-line making the terminology and experience more accessible and widely understood.
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Empowerment and Advocacy: Millennials are more likely to advocate for themselves and others. By understanding and addressing gaslighting, they are paving the way for more honest and supportive interactions with their parents and others.
How to navigate a conversation about Gaslighting
Acknowledging Feelings and Perspectives
First and foremost, it’s important to acknowledge your adult child’s feelings and perspective. You might say:
“I hear you and understand that you feel this way. Your feelings and experiences are valid, and I want to understand your perspective better.”
Clarifying Intentions
Next, clarify your intentions and express your commitment to open and honest communication:
“My intention is never to make you feel invalidated or manipulated. I want us to have a relationship built on trust and understanding.”
Sharing Your Perspective
Gently share your perspective without dismissing theirs:
“I have my own memories and experiences of the situation, which might be different from yours. It’s possible that we both see things differently, and that’s okay.”
Finding Common Ground
Seek common ground and express a willingness to work through the differences together:
“Let’s try to find common ground and understand each other’s viewpoints. I’m open to discussing this further and finding a way to move forward together.”
Offering Support
Offer your support and express your love and care:
“I care about you deeply and want to support you. If there’s anything specific you need from me or any way I can help, please let me know.”
By approaching the conversation with empathy, openness, and a willingness to understand, you can create a space for healing and mutual respect. Remember, it’s important to listen actively and validate their feelings while also sharing your own perspective in a gentle and respectful manner.
Reiki sessions provide a relaxing respite for individuals going through difficult situations such as gaslighting or inner child trauma. Reiki induces a state of deep relaxation helping the mind and body to be calm which provides relief from stress and anxiety. It also helps to release suppressed emotions and unlock emotional blockages with the channeling of healing energy.
"The Reiki table allows me a safe environment where I feel compassionate space. It is on the table with the support of my Reiki Master that I process as well as confront my emotions and heal," says LIGWR client Christina Wheel.
By addressing the physical, emotional, and energetic aspects of well-being, Reiki provides a holistic approach to healing that can be particularly beneficial for individuals dealing with gaslighting or inner child trauma.
To learn more about your inner child consider taking the 3 hr on-line Let it go with REIKI Inner Child Workshop September 2024. Or, book an in-person Reiki session if you're in the Halton area of Ontario or long-distance sessions if you prefer Reiki in the comfort of your own home. 😊